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Hiking in the dark

It has been quite a long time eh ? Some few days, couple of weeks now.

Honestly, I’ve tried a few times to write here again, but the question was where to start from ? By what ? How ?

So many things happened lately. Some days were extremely hard, some were extremely good.

Each of them where deep and intense, extremely intense.

It is adventure.


Those mixing energies make the writing process a bit more complicated for me, words didn’t come out easely. Nothing was really making sense to me, a weird feeling, when it is too much and not enough in the same time. I know it's pretty confusing, which explain how confusing I was, lately.

I just needed some times, times to face those moments, to accept and to understand them.

I needed to process them, I needed to recover myself, ourselves and hopefully be back stronger, together.




It was on the road again, between blue and grey sky, rain and wind, fresh and cold temperatures.

It was this stop at Coromandel city.

It was raining, raining a lot.

It was also a ghost city. We felt alone.

It was another cold night in the van, again.

It was a difficult next morning, with a bad mood already.

It was time for us to leave this city, with no penalty this time.

It was time to be on the road again till this miserable camping muddy field in Whangapoua.

It was writing down « Earth Paradise »

- Bullshit-

It was Oma Dulco stuck in the mud, and so do us.

It was the moment where we left right away till another city.

It was Whitianga.

It was sooooo dark. Sooo rainy. Sooooo windy.

It was empty again, No one on the road, no one in the city, we were just wondering where are people ???

It was this blue led sign in the dark, « Vacancy ».

It was a Motel owned by a Korean guy, Daniel.

It was a small guy, shy who gave us some hope in our darkest day.

It was a room with a heater and a shower, the first hot shower in the week !!!!

It was YEPPAAA

It was two nights there.

It was two days to recover, to wash our clothes, to enjoy this fishing city.

It was this good feeling about this city,

It was this why not stay a bit more and looking for a job.

It was Monday, the time to start working in Cooks beach, in vineyard, with The view.

It was Mercury Bay Estate.

It was our first Helpx, gardening, baking and chazing those amazing empty beaches during our free afternoons.

It was also this special day in LonelyBay with you, my 30th, jumping naked in the sea.

It was just you, me and couple of sandy M&M’s

It was about our future, our projects, your dreams, mine, ours.

It was a Saturday night in Hula’Cafe with this fire outside and the smell of the chicken baked in the BBQ.

It was two women dancing, sweating the freedom and this guy so talented playing guitar and harmonica in the same time.

It was Corona beers for you, mulled wine for me.

It was almost the end of the evening when we met this couple Ruud & Indiane.

It was the discover of two smiles shining by the fire and all those points in common.

It was this next day starting with a breakfast with their homemade cereal bread.

It was a warm « see ya’ » till the next time.

It was again this endless road till Tauranga, this disillusionment about our second Helpx

It was the decision to leave immediately.

It was this mandatory break for a flat white and an avocado toast.

It was those million of thoughts and Now what next ?

It was your decision to bring me back safe to Whitianga.

It was again this road under the rain, 5 hours driving with a flat tire, without tools in the middle of nowhere.

It was an evidence for me to stop this adventure, to stop fighting and escape from all of it.

It was your tears, mine, our silence.

It was a late warm hug from them again, an opened door, a welcome back with fire and burger.

It was the acceptation to stay a week long.

It was this phone call with Mom and Dad.

It was just no judgment, no advices, just support and secure options.

It was a relieve.

It was those long French discussions the next day with Indiane, sitting on the old sofa.

Ìt was about her past, her present, just her.

It was about my past, my present, just me.

It was those fireplaces every nights, all together, some cuddles with the fatty cat and those laughs about the dog, Lucky.

It was hot water beach, some warm brownies and the stars.

It was also this moment with you, those serious discussion with cinnamon churros, those hugs and those new promises.

It was all of us.




We were indeed, close to the end few days ago, the end of this adventure, the end of our dream.

Exhausted, insecure and constantly busy to answer my own questions Where, When, How…

I realized my brain tried to compensate all the time, compensate my fear and listen to my Ego.

Scared to feel the cold all day long, everywhere.

Scared to run out of water, food and/or gas.

Scared to not feel safe on the road and during the night while sleeping.

Scared to feel just homeless, hopeless again.


As a self protection, mentally, I start looking for every option available in order to feel « secured » again. I realized I wanted to control the unexpected.

When the unexpected was in front of us, I just collapse, unable to face it, unable to solve it with you.


I took the time and I remember what means the nomad life we were dreaming about, for long time. This life, based on accepting the no control, extending the limit we have been taught and defining our own rules, far from The Social Standard.

This life, you and I believe in it.

During this period, my ego was taking so much space, over us and he was so big.

It becomes a need to know the place we « have » to go, the place where it feels « safe » or the rhythm we « should » follow. I was just convinced that we were unstable, but it is just not the same stability we are born and raise with.


You were with me. I was not.


To you, my Love

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2 Comments


Guest
Aug 22, 2023

Ups and downs :) I am sure the Ups will worth all the difficult moments. Keep going and learning. Des gros bisous 💕 Caro

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yvettebos
Aug 20, 2023

it seems like a big rollercoaster of emotions. you have endured these setbacks and difficult times. that is also part of the adventure . always think it will be ok❤️❤️💋🤞

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